Friday, June 23, 2006

The Passion of the Ann[ti]-Christ

In an attempt to brown-nose, rip-off, honor, whatever, one my favorite new sites, How to Write Screenplays. Badly., I decided to fire up MM Screenwriter and see if I could write the White Whale of conservatives, a movie that all the Hannity, Limbaugh, and Coulter fans could really get behind.

With that, I present "THE PASSION OF THE ANN[TI]-CHRIST":

************************************************************
           

INT. LIBERTAS UNIVERSITY CLASSROOM -- EVENING

LIBBY CLINTOON, president of the Lib-U Campus League of
Unflinchingly Egalitarian Lesbians Evaluating Sorority
Sisters (CLUELESS) is plotting with her gay counterpart,
LIL' TEDDY KERRY, chairman of the Students United to Root-
out Rightwing Evangelicals, Really (SURRENDER) to plot
out their next nefarious, un-american plot.

Libby holds up a small black box with a tiny dish antenna
attached to the side.

LIBBY CLINTOON
Uncle Osama just sent me this.

LIL' TEDDY KERRY
(lisping)
What does-phhth it do, boss-thphth?

LIBBY CLINTOON
It allows me to convert my deep, abiding
hatred of the United States into energy
that Uncle Osama uses to power his new
satellite that Hollywood bought him to
thwart the
(shrilly)
eeeeee-eeeeeee-eeeeee-eeeeee-vil President
Bush and his Global War on Terror!

LIL' TEDDY KERRY
Lets-ssph see-pht it work, m-m-m-m-m
...master!

LIBBY CLINTOON
(looks askance at Teddy)
You never stuttered before, Teddy.

LIL' TEDDY KERRY
I-i-i-i-i...it just started.

Libby sets the device down on the taxpayer-funded desk.

LIL' TEDDY KERRY (CONT'D)
A-a-a-a-a-a-a-a...And I just wet my pants.

Libby looks at Teddy with disgust.

LIBBY CLINTOON
(sneeringly)
Your type are the reason I'm a lesbian.

Libby takes the pink earbuds from Teddy's I-pod and puts
them in her ears. She plugs into the device.

LIBBY CLINTOON (CONT'D)
OK. Join hands.

She joins hands with Teddy, but recoils in horror.

LIBBY CLINTOON (CONT'D)
My God, not that there is one, your hands
are clammy!

LIL' TEDDY KERRY
Pftht--S-s-s-s...Thorry, Boss.

Libby takes his hands and composes herself.

LIBBY CLINTOON
OK. OK. Hmmmmmmmmmm. OK.
(shouting)
Thousands of dead U.S. soldiers! One
trillion dollars spent!

A blue glow envelopes the box. Suddenly a beam shoots
out of the top and through the ceiling!

EXT. IRAQ BATTLEFIELD -- AT THE SAME TIME

SGT. DICK TURGID, and PVT. SONNY AIMTRUE are pinned down
on the flat roof of house made of mud.

Dirty, filthy islamofascists holding babies up as shields
are steadily advancing on their position.

Occasionally, one them shouts propaganda at the heroic
trio between rifle and rocket-propelled grenade volleys.

DAMN DIRTY ISLAMOFASCIST #1
(with a French accent while holding
a gooing baby up in front of his
filthy face)
Give eeet up, spineless American buffoons!
We read zee Mainstream Media in America
and no one supports you!

Sarge rears up and fires a brilliant shot from his M-4
rifle that passes just under the baby's armpit, blowing
the filthy islamofascist fascist's head off.

SGT. DICK TURGID
NEVER!

Sonny picks off another with cool ease. A 20-foot geyser
of blood spews from whats left the islamofascist's head.

PVT. SONNY AIMTRUE
This is like shootin' fish in a barrel,
Sarge.

SGT. DICK TURGID
Yes, it is son. Just a few more and we
can run along to chapel service.

PVT. SONNY AIMTRUE
Thank God.

SGT. DICK TURGID
Yes, thank God.

Suddenly, the same glow that was around the box at Lib-U
envelopes them.

PVT. SONNY AIMTRUE
I feel funny, Sarge.

SGT. DICK TURGID
(looks at him quizzically)
Funny, or...
(makes limp-wrist gesture with his
hand)
funny, funny.

PVT. SONNY AIMTRUE
(disgustedly)
C'mon Sarge! Just funny.

SGT. DICK TURGID
No matter! Keep firing, soldier!

They both return to shooting at the islamofascists who
are now advancing on them humming the "Space Invaders"
video game theme.

Except now, EVERY TIME they pull their triggers their
rifles flinch off to one side or the other. Dirt sprays
up around the islamofascists.

PVT. SONNY AIMTRUE
Wha-wha-what's happening Sarge!

SGT. DICK TURGID
I don't know son! KEEP FIRING!

They both fire wildly until their rifles are empty.

The islamofascists look around surprisedly at each other,
smile, and throw their babies down.

They start walking towards our heroes.

PVT. SONNY AIMTRUE
Oh no, Sarge! Here they come!

SGT. DICK TURGID
Your grenades, Private! Throw them!

They both claw at their grenades.

Suddenly, the green glow encircles the rings on Sonny's
grenades and they all pop out at once like in that X-Man
movie.

Sarge dives for cover.

PVT. SONNY AIMTRUE
AAAEEEEEIIIIII!
(HUGE EXPLOSION)
GOD BLESS AMERICA!

Sarge looks over the tattered remains of Sonny.

SGT. DICK TURGID
HE ONLY HAD ONE MORE TOUR! NOOOOOOOO!

A filthy islamofascist walks up to Sarge, cocking an AK-
47.

A shot rings out.

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